He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Randomize
