his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
