Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
