felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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