this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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