well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
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I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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