opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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