Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
