Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
