Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
