somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
