Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
