just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I would fuck him just for his dog
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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