I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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