Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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