Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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