She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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