Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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