you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
