im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
