Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
