Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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