You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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