Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
