have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
