i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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