mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
