Grow some girl-balls and come out already
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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