I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
