I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
