so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
