Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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