Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize