I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
