O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize