he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
