did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
