I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
