Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
