Since when is my name a synonym for head?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
