Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
