So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
