My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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