my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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