I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
