I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i think i scared a bird with my dick
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
