sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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