textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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