I puked a lego.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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