I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
