Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
