At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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