Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
