I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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