two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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