2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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