Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I had to cum in my sink.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
