She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize